How do you convince people your bad haircut was intentional?

So, you got a bad haircut. It happens to the best of us. Maybe you trusted the wrong barber. Perhaps you tried to cut it yourself in a moment of delusional confidence ("How hard can it be?"). Maybe you uttered the cursed phrase, "Just do whatever you think looks best." Whatever the reason, your hair is now a national disaster.

You have two choices: either admit defeat, hide in shame, and spend the next few weeks wearing hoodies with the hood up like you just joined a cult, or you can convince the world that this was your plan.

The second option is better. If you commit to this bit with enough confidence, not only will people stop questioning your haircut, but they'll also start questioning their taste in hair. This is your guide to gaslighting the world into believing you're a style icon.

The trendsetter defense

The best offence is a good defence, which makes people feel like they're out of the loop. When someone raises an eyebrow at your hair, they scoff as if they're embarrassingly behind on trends.

"Oh, you haven't seen this style yet? It's huge in Paris right now."

"This is called the Neo-Industrial Undercut. Very big in New York."

Say it with unwavering certainty, as if you just walked off a fashion show runway.

'Confidence is key. If anyone expresses scepticism, look them up and down, sigh, and mutter, "Wow, I didn't realize people were still doing that with their hair."

Reference a celebrity (even if it's a lie)

People will believe almost anything if you attach a famous person's name to it. Try these:

"This is literally how Tom Cruise wore his hair last year."

"This is the Leo Dicaprio cut—look it up." (They won't.)

If they Google it and find nothing, remain calm. Roll your eyes and say, "Ugh, Google Images is so behind. You need to check the underground fashion blogs." They will drop the subject immediately.

Take the offended artist approach

If anyone dares comment on your hair, look at them with deep, soulful eyes and say:

"Oh wow. Wow. I didn't realize you were so… conventional."

"It's so interesting how people judge what they don't understand."

They will instantly backpedal. The fear of being labelled "uncool" is more potent than their curiosity.

Speak about it like it's a philosophical statement

If your haircut is beyond saving, lean into it. Make it sound like a deliberate artistic decision rooted in more profound meaning.

"Oh, this? It's not just a haircut. It's a statement on the impermanence of beauty in a capitalist society."

"It represents the chaos of modern life."

Congratulations, you are now a philosopher. Bonus points if you throw in words like Postmodernism, Deconstructivism, and Dadaism (no one knows what it means, but it sounds intellectual)

Say these things with just enough intellectual arrogance that no one dares to question you. If they look confused, sigh dramatically and say, "You wouldn't understand." Then, walk away like you have a gallery opening to attend.

Make words up

Confuse them into submission by throwing out nonsensical hair jargon.

"Oh, it's a modified deconstructed shag with an inverse taper."

"I asked for a textured anti-hierarchy cut. It's huge in underground fashion circles."

They will nod, afraid to admit they have no idea what you're talking about. Mission accomplished.

Throw in an overly dramatic backstory

If all else fails, fabricate an emotional reason for your haircut.

"I needed a change after my spiritual awakening in the mountains."

"I did this as a tribute to my childhood cat."

Say it with a hint of sadness, just enough to make people feel bad for asking. They will quickly change the subject.

Pretend you're in a bet

If none of the above works, pretend it was all part of a bet. This achieves two things: it gives people an explanation, so they stop questioning it, and it makes you seem fun and spontaneous rather than just a victim of lousy haircut decisions.

"Yeah, my friend bet me money. I wouldn't joke. Joke; Ion him, I look cool."

"Oh, this? I lost a bet. But honestly? I'm loving it."

If they ask for proof, sigh and say, "Ugh, I deleted the video." They won't ask further questions.

The ultimate manipulation move

The final nuclear option: convince them that they're the ones seeing it wrong.

If someone says, "Your hair looks different…" narrow your eyes and reply, "Huh? No, it doesn't."

If they insist, shake your head and say, "That's so weird. Maybe you're just remembering it wrong."

If they persist further, go full psychological warfare:

"Wow, have you considered getting your eyes checked?"

"You must be under a lot of stress. I read that can cause memory distortion."

This will send them spiralling into self-doubt. Before you know it, they'll be apologizing to you.

We all make mistakes. But confidence is the great equalizer. If you act like your haircut is a high-fashion choice, people will eventually start believing it. And if they don't? Confuse them until they give up trying.

And there you have it! With these expert techniques, no one will ever know the true horror beneath. Stay strong. Your hair will grow back. Probably.

samin.shahan@gmail.com