Divorce isn't the scandal- our reactions are

"I told them I was being beaten," Salma recalled. "But my parents said I just needed to endure. They made me go back," said the victim of an Acid attack (Human Rights Watch, 2020).

Divorce - a word hated or feared throughout the world, in some places more than others. It is either saddening, as it seems to mark the end of a loving journey, or embarrassing, as it shatters the image of a so-called perfect family. However, it is rarely seen for what it truly is, the final pin in a series of serious inconveniences. People mostly seem to focus on that final decision rather than the chain of events that led to it.

A relationship is based on mutual understanding, respect, love and trust. In a marriage, these become more important as it's considered the closest relationship in human life.

You live with a person day in and day out, deeply involved in each other's lives. Therefore, it becomes crucial for people to align their traits and perspectives primarily with basic principles.

However, the differences in human nature, in how people perceive situations, their priorities, and ambitions, are real and inevitable. And that's why marriage can quietly become a prison when unmet expectations, unresolved resentment, or even explicit violence take root.

Realising that your principles no longer match with the person you once imagined a lifetime with isn't failure; it's awareness. Choosing to walk away from what no longer works is a sign of growth, not defeat.

But this isn't how society views it. Instead of recognising the pain or courage behind the decision, it quickly moves to assign blame. And more often than not, the finger points toward the woman. "She was stubborn," they say, "She didn't try hard enough. She should've been more patient." It doesn't matter if the marriage involved emotional neglect, infidelity, or even violence. The scrutiny is relentless and deeply ingrained in the concept of gender.

"My biggest nightmare during the divorce wasn't society-it was my own family," says one woman anonymously. "My younger brother shamed me for leaving an abusive marriage, and relatives treated me like a bad influence just because I chose to live alone."

In Bangladesh, a woman's worth is often measured by how much more she could have endured before leaving her home. And no matter how much she did endure, it's never enough.

Men, by contrast, are sympathised with for being "left alone"; even when criticised, they are mostly viewed as weak for failing to control their household or, more specifically, their women. "I did not get support from my side of my family when I made the decision. To make them understand that I don't want to control my partner's life and she has the right to live on her own is normal, even if it causes our divorce," keeping it anonymous, a man who got his divorce two years back says.

However, the societal judgment they face is nowhere near what women go through. "During my divorce, I went through an identity crisis, like I didn't quite belong anywhere. My family offered some support, but at times, they were also the reason I felt disconnected and unwelcome," says Saima (pseudonym). "The advice I mostly got was, 'Just adjust, or it'll go against you.'

Some marriages don't just fall apart; they leave behind deep emotional and physical scars. Sometimes, the abuse is loud, bruises, screaming or a constant state of fear. But more terrifying are the silent wounds, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and psychological control, which are harder to detect and easier to dismiss.

And there are some divorces which are for simply living alone, not for any cause like domestic violence. Partners often make a divorce that contributes to their happiness. However, be it for a reason like domestic violence or being happy, divorce is criticised and judged by society.

When someone dares to escape such a situation, society often plays the role of moral judge, "Did you try? Couldn't you have adjusted a bit more?"

Once the news spreads, divorce becomes a public trial. The word 'talaq' is whispered like an infectious, shameful disease, as though choosing peace is a sin.

According to a 2022 survey by the Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics, 72.6% of married women here have experienced some form of abuse from their partners. And yet, so many remain silent, worried about family reputation, public shame, their children, or simply because society never taught them they had a choice.

"Every day feels like walking on eggshells," says a woman who stayed in a violent marriage for over ten years. "Anything can set him off."

And yes, children are often a reason why people stay. Parents convince themselves that staying together is better for their children.

But witnessing violence, disrespect, or sheer unhappiness every day can leave deep emotional wounds in a child. It creates fear, twists their understanding of relationships, and often encourages negative patterns to repeat.

Children do need to learn patience and understanding. Still, they also need to learn how to stand up against injustice, value their boundaries, and respect the choices of others, none of which are possible among inconsiderate and toxic family members.

Sadly, in many families, when a couple begins to have problems, older people often suggest having a child as a solution, thinking it will fix everything. But bringing a child into an unstable marriage is not a solution; it's a distraction. Over time, the problems intensify, and the child ends up suffering the most.

Divorce becomes a more distant dream for women with no financial independence. Social and cultural norms often encourage women to give up careers and rely on marriage for security. But what happens when the marriage itself becomes a trap, when walking away means having no income, no savings, and no shelter?

"If only I had a job!" says Shumi (pseudonym) with utmost disappointment in her voice. At the same time, in Saima's view, "The more independent I became, the easier it was to deal with divorce."

And when women do decide to leave, religion is often misused to shame them. But in truth, most religions, including Islam, recognise divorce as a valid, sometimes necessary path. In Islam, the primary purpose of marriage is to achieve peace and harmony. If that peace is lost, the bond loses its meaning.

Some argue that rising divorce rates threaten our cultural values. However, they signify something long overdue, awareness, self-respect, and a refusal to tolerate injustice.

Instead of forcing people to stay married, we should teach people how to marry wisely. That means discussing compatibility, emotional maturity, communication, independence, and shared values openly, long before getting married, not after.

Divorce does not destroy anyone, but staying in a relationship that steadily poisons the spirit sure does. At last, it is a decision, a very difficult and brave one, to stop just surviving and start living. As Hermann Hesse once said, "Some people think holding on makes you strong. But sometimes it's letting go."

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