Funny things that our neighbours do

Did you know, Bhabi, what Maisha did from flat 5C the other day? This statement surely brought someone to mind, right? None other than the neighbourhood nosy auntie. No, Maisha didn't do anything wrong, she was talking with her friend, but this auntie will turn this into a spicy tea to spill all around.

Undoubtedly, we can't imagine our life without neighbours. They are the closest people to us after our family; they are the ones who water your plants when you are away or the ones who give you condiments when you are out of them, and most importantly, you share our joy and sorrow with them.

But let's be real; some of their activities will surely make you roll your eyes and are so stereotypical that they compel you to cancel your Netflix subscription. 

Let's start with a real-life scenario. One of their most neighbourly actions is to boast about their children and, let's name this, "My child is genius syndrome". It's like they compete to compare whose children are jack of all trades. And just like a castle in the air, their 8-year-old can paint like Picasso, solve algebra or be multilingual in 4 languages with a side eye that screams, "And what has your kid done lately? Breath?" And the next thing happens in the result distribution day when they compare their child's who is apparently in standard 5 straight A's with your comparatively mid marks. And just when you think, thanks Lord, she left, your parents turn to you with that look asking, why can't you be like her son? He is so well-behaved, gets good grades, and you are only glued to your phone. And suddenly, your picture-perfect life seems to scatter before your eyes, your whole existence seems like a failure and thanks to that overachiever kid next door. 

And what is a next-door nosy auntie if she doesn't peek into your life, your window and balcony all day? Your unpaid CCTV will monitor each of your steps, how you eat, get dressed up or sleep.

The very next thing they do is to casually drop hints about how rich they are. Another favourite pastime of them is talking about how their properties were lost due to betrayal from her in-laws and how they tormented her in the past days.

They will complain about how their husband was wronged in property allocation, but everyone knows the truth: it's her husband who has been taking his siblings' properties. But shhh! Being social butterflies, we don't correct them; we just politely nod our heads, learning their sad story for the nth time now.

But you know when the real fun begins? When the sun goes down. Apparently, your neighbours from upstairs can't wait to renovate their household. If not, it's not midnight. It's like they are from a different time zone. They move their heavy furniture around the apartment when it's like 2 am. Clang, clang, clang! No, it's not some paranormal activity or any intruder. Mrs Khan from upstairs decided to make some Gigi paste (ginger and garlic paste) in her mortar and pestle at noon.

Who needs a sleep cycle when your neighbour has a different schedule than everyone else? And making fresh GiGi paste in the middle of the night is a crucial life skill we somehow missed. But that's not all, in the dread of night, they decide to arrange a midnight marble Olympics. The mysterious sound of dropping marbles from above will always be coming at the most inconvenient times.

But did you notice how some of these neighbours are pro at asking for condiments? It's like they have an infinite amount of pit for cardamom, sugar and green chillies.

They are always in need of a pinch of this and a dash of that; from asking for a few leaves of coriander to your pressure cooker and your favourite crockeries, they are just a doorbell away.

But the kicker is when they are making a feast that you can smell across the hallway, your mouth starts watering like Niagara Falls, and they suddenly have amnesia about your existence. Funny how it works, no?

Did you notice how your neighbourhood people are more concerned about you than your parents? No, they aren't even worried about their children as all their kids do is study, study and more study, or at least that's what they say. But in closed the door it's an open secret how her child is secretly living the life of a teen straight out of some Netflix series. But their kids won't do anything wrong, even being in multiple relationships, sneaking out of the house and whatnot.

Your mother will get an earful about how auntie saw you talking to a boy on the street whilst the boy was just casually asking for directions but who wants this bland story when they can spill the spicy one?

In her eyes, you are planning to elope with that boy. And if you claim to see Maisha with a boy in a rickshaw, be 100% sure she was alone, and the boy she is talking about is some 60-year-old rickshaw mama.

They have an X-ray vision when it's about others' actions, but when it's about their one's their child, they get completely blind. "Oh lord! Did you notice Sadman was smoking?" "No, Auntie, I was busy watching your son getting drunk the other day."

These self-appointed fashion police next door will raise their eyebrows to their hairline to pass judgements on the modesty of your dress, but if her daughter wears the same outfit, it's suddenly modest fashion. They will criticise your fashion choice, parenting skills and whatnot.

Neighbours are sometimes uninvited side characters of our story. They can be annoying, funny and overdramatic, but let's be real: life will be bland without their tea. It's like a real life sitcom minus the laughing tracks. 

Got some nosy neighbourhood auntie tea to spill? The writer can be found at [email protected]