How to survive the Qurbani haat without losing your mind (or Money)

Every year, Dhaka's Qurbani haats turn into full-on survival zones—mud-like quicksand. Sellers are louder than bus horns. Prices that rise faster than your blood pressure. And cows that may or may not be plotting something.

You may think you're just going to "pick a cow." Cute.

You are entering an emotional jungle where logic dies, egos rise, and your new panjabi will never be the same.

Here's your official survival manual: follow these Do's and Don'ts if you ever want to make it out alive (and with your wallet still intact).

Do dress like you're going to war, not brunch

Wrong outfit = public humiliation. This is not the place to wear your new sneakers or your crisp white panjabi. You're about to enter a live-action mud wrestling arena where cows fart without warning, and water splashes from mysterious sources. You need clothes that say: "I'm not afraid to fall in a ditch."

Bonus points if you bring an umbrella; it gives you elite status. Also, bring tissues. Not for yourself, but if the cow seller starts to cry while bargaining.

Don't make eye contact with a cow

It's not cute. It's a duel. You may think cows are gentle, soulful creatures. That's adorable. The truth is that some of them are plotting prison breaks. If you lock eyes with one of these alpha beasts, it will take it as a direct challenge and might start stomping like it's preparing for a wrestling match.

Especially avoid the ones with tilted heads and side eyes. That's not shyness. That's calculation.

Do pretend like you know what you're doing

Confidence is your only defence. Walk in like you've been doing this for years. Say things like, "This one looks like it's around 280 kg, but I don't like the muscle-to-fat ratio." It doesn't matter what that means. Sellers will nod respectfully.

Also, learn to do the classic chin scratch and head-shaking combo. It means: "I see what you're offering, but I'm not impressed." Bonus points if you casually say something like, "Looks like it's from a regular village, but probably not farm-raised." No one will argue. They'll just be impressed that you know the game.

Don't trust sellers with emotional backstories

"This cow is like my own son" is NOT a valid sales pitch.

They will tell you this cow only eats with soft music playing, gets sad during sunset, and knows the national anthem. They will weep. You will feel inclined to pay a few lakhs. That's the trap.

Just remember: five minutes ago, this "family member" was listed on bikroy.com under "urgent sale."

Do bring back up

One buyer alone is weak. A group is a unit. A unit is power.

Bring at least one guy who looks very old and squints at cows like a detective. Bonus if he says things like "I don't like the way that cow is standing" just by glancing at its tail.

Also, bring someone whose only job is to yell, "Let's move on; there are better cows." loudly whenever the price crosses your budget.

Don't believe the price Ever

If the seller says 2 lakh taka, your response should be a physical outburst of laughter.

The first price is a hallucination. It's a starting point—a mere suggestion. Even the seller doesn't believe it. You could say, "I have 50,000 taka and a half-eaten Kitkat," and he'll consider it if you walk away dramatically. Remember: drama equals discount.

Do master the fake walk-away

It's not just a move. It's an art form. When bargaining hits a wall, sigh deeply, look hurt, and say, "If you're being this rigid, I'll just leave." Then, turn around slowly, adjusting your clothes with sorrow in your steps. If you nailed it, you'll hear "Brother, wait!" before you reach the next cow.

Bad version: You sprint away like you're catching a bus. You lose leverage and probably your dignity.

Don't ignore the cow's energy

If it's shaking, snorting, or breakdancing—walk away. The calm ones stand still, blink slowly, and appear as though they've undergone therapy. The others will try to eat your shoelaces, chase motorcycles, or break into someone's fridge. No matter what the seller says, if three men are hanging onto the rope like it's a tug-of-war semifinal, that is not a "calm cow."

Do check the basics

Teeth, hooves, eyes, tail. Additionally, there is the overall atmosphere. You're not just buying meat; you're buying responsibility. Look for clear eyes, steady legs, and a general vibe of not wanting to kill you in your sleep. If it's foaming, limping, or seems like it wants to unionize with other cows, walk away.

And yes, do the "pat it and nod like an expert" move, even if you have no idea why. Gently slap the cow and nod as if you've found something out.

Don't believe "No injection! Natural food!" too quickly

That cow has been to more clinics than you.

If its muscles look suspiciously shiny, and its body moves like a Marvel superhero, assume it has taken at least three types of steroids, one protein shake, and the COVID booster. Ask directly. If the seller says, "I swear on Allah", raise one eyebrow and slowly back away.

Do prepare exit plans

You've bought the cow. Now what? Did you book a truck? Do you know the truck guy's name and emergency contact? Does the cow even want to go?

Most buyers collapse after payment, forgetting they now have 300+ kg of cow that needs to travel through Old Dhaka traffic. And no, Uber does not have a 'cow' option. Yet.

Don't panic

Someone will step on your foot. A kid will start crying after getting kicked by a cow. You will get splashed.

That's the haat experience. Embrace the madness. Just keep your head up, your wallet close, and your expectations low. You are not here to win. You are here to survive.

Finally, respect the chaos

By the end of your haat journey, you'll be dirty, tired, possibly injured, and questioning the choices that brought you here. However, if you follow this guide, you'll also achieve victory. You'll have your cow. Your pride. And at least one story that your relatives will pretend to care about during dinner.

So go forth, brave buyer. May your cow be calm, your wallet still not empty, and your rickshaw ride home uneventful—Eid Moobarak, and good luck out there. You'll need it.