The Art of Office War (Part 1)

Disclaimer

Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain speaking. Please fasten your seatbelts at this time, take everything with a grain of salt, and secure all baggage underneath your seat or in the overhead compartments. Any resemblance to actual office politics is purely coincidental. No cubicles or coffee machines were harmed during the writing process yet. This article is a work of fiction(hey, I used plenty of pop culture, which is meant for entertainment purposes only). Or is it?

If you've ever felt like your workplace is less "The Office" and more "Game of Thrones(at least a far less classy version of it)", then this article is for you. If you haven't felt that, STILL it is for you. (Baggage underneath your seats, remember?) Welcome, dear reader, to the ultimate survival guide for navigating the labyrinthine world of office politics(albeit dirty) in Bangladesh.

Let's face it

Working in a corporate environment is like being thrown into a gladiatorial arena, minus the swords and the cheering crowd. Instead, you are armed with a slow laptop/PC, a never-ending stream of emails(where you have to call to ensure their excellency reads it), and a smile that is more forced than a politician's promise or a contestant at a beauty pageant or a groom at his wedding at the cusp of handing over his long-lived independence. Every day is a battle, and your survival depends on how well you can navigate the minefield of office politics.

This is nothing short of a battlefield, a corporate colosseum disguised as an office. Here, your boss isn't just your boss; they're a medieval lord or the king (take your pick), and you're a lowly elf/mudblood trying to avoid getting beheaded.

Your colleagues are either your allies or your enemies, or both, and the washroom is your only sanctuary. In case your boss is a pushover or a doormat (often described as lenient or a good guy), don't worry; someone else will rise to the occasion to rule the likes of your filthy mud blood.

Now, let's visit some landmarks one by one. Did you know that 87.3% (source? That lowkey janitor/peon/messenger who fades into the background in your eyes) of office gossip originates near the coffee machine/pantry/water filter/cafeteria? Yes, THIS is your most important landmark, which harbours more secrets than a Bangladeshi politician's Swiss bank account.

Our sources also reveal that the coffee machine/pantry/water filter/cafeteria overhears our conversations, analyzes tone, and then brews either a soothing latte or a bitter espresso based on your karma points in your speech to the concerned authority!

Yes, this is a place where you can either get informed or be stabbed in the back. You thought your university friends were snakes? Huh, these are even more evil than Russel Vipers. But then again, information is power!

The office grapevine is a rich source of information, from who's getting promoted to who's getting the axe. So what to do regarding it? Remember how Harry Potter ricocheted the spell on him by Voldemort when he was a baby?

He had mother's love! Similarly, it would help if you had that. Be lovable enough to eavesdrop on conversations, engage in casual chats by the water cooler, and keep your ears open for any juicy tidbits.

In the corporate jungle, knowledge is power, and gossip is your most valuable currency. Be that harmless NPC hiding in plain sight. But beware!  Be very careful not to get sucked into the vortex of office gossip. As we all know, you start staring at the abyss; the abyss starts staring right back at you.

Do you think it gives you power? Welp, as Uncle Ben (Spiderman reference) said, With great power comes great responsibility. It's a double-edged sword, while it can give you valuable insights, it can also be an epic fail.

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain (Hello, Harvey Dent from Batman). One minute, you're the office insider, and the next, you're the subject of the latest scandal. So your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to use gossip wisely and always remember the thumb rule: trust no one. NO ONE!! Unless you find a comrade who will stand tall and face it all together at the Skyfall. Sounds Bond-esque? Well, it is kind of like that! 

"Life is like an elevator full of ups and downs, and occasionally, someone farts." — Confucius (probably). We are now at the elevator. This is like taking a penalty. You can take it, score, and be a hero. You can take it, miss, and die standing like Roberto Baggio.

Or you can just be nervous and not take it at all. Say you're in the elevator, and the bossman steps in. The doors close, and you have precisely 18 seconds to make or break.

You can just greet/give a salam and put on that fake smile while standing straight back against the wall while being intimidated. You can engage in small talk and try to make a good impression. Or you can start reciting your elevator pitch, but wait—did you just call the boss man "bhaiya" (considering it is a 'Sir' sorta organization? Abort mission!

…..(to be continued)

Follow the links for second part and third part

(The writer is an engineer turned finance enthusiast, trying to drink gulps from the immensely stimulating ocean of finance/economics and move to greener pastures to shift from his regular boring job in the capital market. Tell him how he can do that at [email protected])